Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
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Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Not my job 😂
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.