Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
We like the way Dwight thinks
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it