whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
You Might Also Like
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
*Inspirational Tweets*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them