– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
when someone compliments me
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
