@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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@jacanamommy

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

@Parkerlawyer

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

@shanethevein

I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?

@TheAlexNevil

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

@heidi420x

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

@Smooheed

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

@dlicj

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

@stuckinaportal

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

@pittdave13

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

@GianDoh

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.