-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?


I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.

You know we just joke about being Facebook right?


Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.


I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.


Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times


I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice


god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi


First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…


Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.