@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

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@Alex_but_online

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

@SondraDeeMe

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

@notalogin

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

@SortaBad

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

@MavenofHonor

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

@ZaraEatWorld

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

@caliluvgirl77

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?