Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
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People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
This is the best one I’ve seen
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”