Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*



Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.


I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t


Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”


That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.


ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful


I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.


you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.


I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.