Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.