“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”