“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon