How did the date go?
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
This makes total sense…
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him