“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?


Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls


There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.


The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.


Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.


Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.


[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]