Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.