Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner