Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.