Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
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Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.