Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants