Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
How long do you have to wait between naps?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”