Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
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Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Something Saturday.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I missed you with all my darts
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”