Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.