Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I’m having an out of money experience.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.