whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo