Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
wtf is an acronym
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
i baked you a cake
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Bread puns are on the rise!
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
much to think about