Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
You Might Also Like
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.