@Josievorenkamp

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

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@LeBearGirdle

Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis

Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@LindaInDisguise

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

@Clanopath

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

@ozzyunc

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

@VerifiedDrunk

I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!

@LeHarrumph

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”