Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
British people be like I’m Bri ish
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.