Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.