Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
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Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me doing my best
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?