Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
*Inspirational Tweets*
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.