Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Namaste
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.