Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

synchronized noseblowing

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

[reptile bar]

SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie

COBRA *blushing*: tee hee

I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.