Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
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Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
i can’t wait that long