Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
A new level of troll.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks