Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”