Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
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therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”