Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
You Might Also Like
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired