Whoever named the period of time before a funeral a “Wake” should never be allowed to name anything ever again.
![]()
You Might Also Like
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
![]()
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
this made my day 😂
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department