Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

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Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here


They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor


[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone


Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.


It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.


I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.


My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.


Wordle 241 1/6


Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!


My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.