@donni

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

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@HeyoShellz

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

@StruggleDisplay

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

@murrman5

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

@ThisOneSayz

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@MoistPork

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

@SnellWarren

My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.

@Judey_moody

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

@suzieQ0007

My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.