Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.

Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.

Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain

Mary: Jesus stop complaining

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow