whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.