Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
oh you like nyc? name every rat
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.