Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.