Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Overindulged this afternoon.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical