Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
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[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.