Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
You Might Also Like
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*