Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You Might Also Like
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.