Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working

I wish this was real life…

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

My hips? Compulsive liars.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes