Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes