Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
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“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good