Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping