@aveuaskew *walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
@MelvinofYork Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You Might Also Like
@aveuaskew 
@TopherKearby Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
@mommajessiec Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
@SteevUmc My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
@FormerHumorist “Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
@lloydrang Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
@rickolantern Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
@jrza206 I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
@webofevil Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
@Dawn_M_ HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.