Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
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me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain