@Rrrocambolesco
@OutOfLeftField_ Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
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@OutOfLeftField_ 
@UnFitz Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
@GrantTanaka My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
@Fred_Delicious “my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
@CatJacquesESPN When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
@JustLikeMikee Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
@RobDenBleyker IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
@BMcCarthy32 if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
@DanMentos “I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
@jctwritesstuff The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.