@Rrrocambolesco

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

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@OutOfLeftField_

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

@UnFitz

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@Fred_Delicious

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

@CatJacquesESPN

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

@JustLikeMikee

Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent

@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

@DanMentos

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

@jctwritesstuff

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.