Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied