Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
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[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.