Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
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*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Genius idea!!
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin