Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?