whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Aight bet
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
he was correct
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”