Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉